My Wife the Superhero

1 09 2014

I always thought I’d grow up to marry someone special and I did. Clearly I had no idea how special.

Until now.

No one really expects that they’ll ever meet a superhero what with that being something you only see in fiction. Or at least that’s what I used to think. The Vixen changed my mind and the more that I think about it, the way I refer to her does sound a bit like a superhero moniker.

So she has a catchy name, that’s cool but it takes a lot more than a snazzy title to qualify as super powered. So what else is there? What is it about her that makes her so super?

I’ve seen her battle evil my friends. I’ve been the singular witness during several encounters with what I’ve come to refer to as “Nature’s Ugly Side.” Let me tell you about the most recent encounter.

The Vixen and I were on our way home from town (we live in a rural area so “going to town” means traveling fifteen minutes to the closest settlement that offers something more than a gas station.) by way of a set of heavily wooded roads that pass by a reservoir which supplies water to the before mentioned “town.”

I would have never seen it, for my eyes are the mundane optic nerves of a commoner. The Vixen’s finely tune sight detected her next opponent, even traveling at a speed of 45 MPH, there was no way she could have missed it. She grabbed me by the shoulder and I asked me if I had seen the evil. I of course was oblivious and had to admit my ignorance. She bade me stop and I pulled the car over to the side of the road.

We had passed her prey so I, feeling a lot like Shia Labeouf, turned the car around and brought her closer to the foul beast.

The sun was setting. The air was warm. The trees rustled gently as a hint of wind whispered through their evergreen limbs. The Vixen got out of the car and walked slowly (after checking both ways) across the street coming to stand silently, like an awesome stone tower before her opponent.

On the ground before her a massive turtle lumbered to face her. Clearly it was on its way to poison the reservoir in an attempt to ransom the “Town” for an astronomical sum! She picked up a stick from nearby.

What followed was a kind of adorable Gamera/Ultraman mash-up featuring a big ass turtle and a cute girl in khaki shorts. The special effects weren’t very good though. They even included a bit of humor in the many surprised expressions the Vixen had in response to the turtle snapping her stick to pieces.

In the end the day was won as the Vixen finally managed to push the stupid thing out of the road and back into the grass. There is even video. I know because I shot it using my phone. I didn’t even think about asking the Vixen if I could include it here since I already know her answer would be a super-powered “Hell no.”

This wasn’t her first encounter with vicious wildlife though. And you should consider yourself lucky she’s out there keeping the roads safe for you and me.

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