This Bird’ll Kill Ya

30 09 2012

So I bought a tomahawk.

I hear you pondering that one. Before you get too psychoanalytical over there allow me to offer a reason.

Why the hell not?

Yeah, you heard me. Why not? Don’t judge me internet; I know you have them too. I watch YouTube.

But seriously. Why not?

First of all, do you know what you find if you look up the word ‘cool’ in the dictionary? You will behold a bearded dude wearing nothing but a purple Italian Speedo. In one mighty outstretched hand will be some sort of an Apple product because he’s also hip and current with kids these days. He’ll say things like “lol” and “<3” in everyday conversation. (I heard ❤ spoken in a dream once. It drove me to near Lovecraftian depths of insanity. In fact you might need to have a tentacle face to properly produce the sound.)

His beard will be glorious in the sense that a large bird could nest in it. Probably like an albatross or something. Is there a larger bird? Wait, is that a large bird? Must be. I think I saw one in a cartoon once. And yet, his beard will be soft enough that no one woman would ever be saddened by its existence.

And do you know what that modern example of near-Grecian magnificence would have in the other hand?

You guessed it.

THE FIERY, FROTHY GLOBE THAT IS THE INTERNET ITSELF.

And there would be a tomahawk on his belt.

So there. I bought one.

Honestly, I never owned a tomahawk so it’s one more thing that I can scratch off my bucket list. Obtain Close Combat Weapon. Check. So what will I do with it now? Learn to throw it of course. Yes, yes, I hear what some of you are saying and I’m telling you don’t worry about it. I’m not going on a disgruntled killing spree anytime soon.

There is a well abused adage in writing that goes something like “Write what you know.” Obviously this must include things you’ve researched. Not necessarily things you have firsthand experience with. If that were the case then we should probably start arresting nearly everyone who writes in the crime genre.

Does this mean I’m writing a story that involves a tomahawk-toting fiend or hero? No. But you better believe I will have more confidence writing about that sort of thing in the future if I decide that I want to. I can describe throwing a tomahawk in entirely different words having actually done it as opposed to having just read about it.

It’s like guns. Reading about shooting a gun in no way accurately conveys all the stimuli that are involved. The smell of gun smoke, the thundering of the powder igniting, the slight stunning sensation as your body absorbs the kickback. Totally different beast.

Experience is the thing here. In all things, be it writing or job-hunting or whatever. Experience is worth its hypothetical weight in gold. (For the record it’s hypothetically as heavy as a cow.)

And just think about it. I may gain some horrific, self-inflicted injuries to share with you all later!

High fives!

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2 responses

30 09 2012
David Connell

This is filled with so much hilarity it broke my funny bone!

6 10 2012
Kyllan Brindle

You may want to get that looked at.

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