Cooking With Spam I

21 01 2012

So I get a lot of Spam.

No, not tasty meat product Spam. And how dare you refer to “Meat Product” as ‘tasty’. That’s just gross my friend.

The reality of it? Everyone gets Spam. If you have an e-mail address, you get Spam. If you have a blog, you get Spam. if you’re the product manager of any sort of supermarket, it’s twice as bad. You actually order the Spam.

I can’t say how much I receive. It varies from week to week and for the longest time I did my best to dutifully hit the ‘delete’ button and move on. But then it hit me. Some of these things are sort of funny. Others are downright fall-over-hit-your-head-on-the-curb-spit-teeth-and-blood-and-wet-your-pants sort of funny. So why not make something of them?

Thus I present to you what I’m thinking may become a permanent feature around here.

Things WILL be misspelled. Rest assured, that is not me. I will present the Spam as it was received line by line without corrections. The only changes that will be made will be breaks in the text filled with my own response to the statements as they occur. Bear with me.

Or badger with me. No reason bears should get all the damn press.

Cooking With Spam

Best Credit Cards For Bad Credit writes,

Brilliant blog.

Why thank you.

I enjoyed examining your articles. This really is actually terrific browse for me.

I think you mean ‘a terrific browse’ but okay. I understand. Potential language barrier and all that.

I’ve bookmarked  and am looking forward to going back.

You’ve bookmarked? Do you mean the blog or something else? Is that a Euphemism for something? Are you going back here or do you mean like to the future?

I look forward to examining you in the future!

Crazy time traveler say whaaaaa? Like a doctor? Is this a prank call? I feel like I’m talking to my future proctologist.

Keep up the great function!

Will do doc.

Great Lawns writes,

Thanks for sharing!

You too.

I have the perfect solution to your problem!

Problem? The time traveling doctor? Nah, its okay. He’s cool I guess.

We sell good construction services to your blog. Make you tidy like house care.

Is that sort of like ‘strong like bull’?

Your home is valuable to me!

Excuse me? Are you at my home? What? Oh my GOD THE SPAM IS IN THE HOUSE! ITS IN THE HOUSE! 

Homepage writes,

I’m certain your publish and internet website is incredibly constructed.

Kind words sir or madame but it feels like there is a hesitant wait-for-it sort of tone in your voice. And again, not sure that ‘your publish’ really belongs in this sentence.

I am come frequently.


Do you pose recommendations for web traffic? 633445

I don’t really do much modeling. At least, I’m not sure how that would improve my blog here. And you lost me with the numbers.

902345 90038 75832 12349

Yeah, when I said you lost me I meant I didn’t understand what you were saying.

110 00 00110 110-101

Wait, oh no! Skynet! It’s Skynet! The techno apocalypse is upon us!

Much and regards in writing to you. Support arguments good.

Sky…net? Oh. Okay. Thanks then? Regards to your support too pal.




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