Witness Protection

27 08 2011

It’s something that allows a writer to assault their friends and family publicly while protecting them from shame.

Sort of. I talk about people all the time here. It’s what makes it interesting I think. Human beings are strange creatures that never cease to amaze me in one way or another. I have been humbled by their generosity, appalled by their ability to create reality television programming and set into roars of laughter on occasion just by watching them be themselves. And I like to forward what makes me smile along to you all.

And you’re more than welcome.

But I am no cad, I assure you. I’m not out to hurt any feelings or ruffle any feathers. I don’t want people to retreat into a shell simply because I thought they were silly. And verbalized it. Well, wrote it anyways. Thus I make use of the Witness Protection Program. Aside from myself I do not use the real names of anyone else. Gives people a piece of mind. (An expression I admit I neither like nor fully understand.)

But doesn’t that leave you confused? Who are these strangers that I am talking about? It’s a lot easier to imagine a person named “Dave” than “Captain Staples” because its more familiar. Maybe you even know a Dave. Maybe our Daves appear the same way. You imagine mine to be the same as yours. I’m not a big fan of that.

Hey, I’m here to create! I’m sure you’re Dave is nice but I didn’t make him, he’s not my own so I’m going to have to respectfully decline. And that is the other thing about Witness Protection that is so great. I get the opportunity to tell you a bit about these people before I even begin to describe them.

So please allow me the opportunity to introduce you to those I run into so frequently.

I’ve already mentioned in previous posts, the Fungus. He is a strapping young fellow that one. We go back, way back. We go so far back that we remember when tapes were a really cool music media. Not that that’s overwhelmingly old granted. His name actually came from him, he suggested it. No joke.

When we were younger he would come over and hang out at my house A LOT back in the days of giant backpacks and books covered in brown paper bags meant to provide the staff at our school the illusion that maybe that would stop us from screwing up our books. That still makes me giggle. Every middle schooler had a back pack as big as a locker full of all the books they would need. Except for us of course. He stopped in between classes to get books and my backpack space was reserved for Dungeons and Dragons books.

And yes, we are still that cool. We just have fancier backpacks.

And so, like a typical fungus, he was impossible to get rid of. Not that I would have wanted to anyways he was a great friend. Still is. Going months without seeing one another and still being able to sit down, have a beer and pick up right where we left off is a wonderful thing. Its huge.

And then there is the Vixen. We live together in a ramshackle family unit that we’ve successfully managed to weld together from the parts of a couple of different ones. As the blog did initially start its life off as the Green Fox Press, it made sense to me that the lovely lady I live with would follow a similar naming scheme. That aside she is a FOX anyway.

And that brings us to the other of the so far named individuals that you may have seen pop up. “Crazy Ol Witch On the Mercedes Broom.” Yup. She hangs out over at stuffalsothings, showering the internet in her own special flavor of strange and entertaining medication fueled rantings. That’s my sister. She’s great.

I also feel that I should give a little bit of special recognition this post to a coworker of mine. I call her “Hasbro”. I would explain that one but I don’t think I am ready to yet. I know she haunts the blog on occasion and I want to see if perhaps she will figure it out. She is the one who inspired todays post actually.

Thanks a bunch Hasbro. Appreciate the thought. And I hope I answered your question.

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2 responses

28 08 2011
eastbaywriter

I wholeheartedly support the Witness Protection Program – I love to see what brilliant names people come up with for the subjects they are protecting. Clearly, by my username, you can see I am even in my own Witness Protection Program. I also fondly remember the brown paper bag book covers, and only wish my backpack space had been reserved for D&D. I played – my step-brother was a brilliant dungeon master – but we never did bring it to school with us. Great post!

28 08 2011
Kyllan Brindle

Appreciate the words sir. I must admit I was reluctant to include details about my roleplaying days but hey, I decided I’d flaunt it proudly! I do however, appreciate the anonymity. Glad to meet another member of the program. Cat power!!

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